Such sad news from the weekend. A young American professional football player kills his girlfriend, mother of their 3 month old child at his home, and then himself at himself at his team's facility. My mother and I spoke about it for an hour on the phone.
There were a lot of common assumptions made by the general public and perhaps even from people who might have known these two people. These assumptions might have led to people not paying attention to the tension, anger and frustration that built up inside this particular relationship.
Domestic violence and arguments and acting out isn't a new issue. Clearly it happens more often than we may want to believe, but it doesn't necessarily end up with such a violent and tragic ending. It is these really tragic moments that stand out. However, the lesser incidents lead to divorce, single parenthood, drug and or alcohol dependency, child adoption, dysfunctional children and dysfunctional subsequent relationships as the damaged parties go searching for someone to heal their wounds rather than starting with a clean slate.
All of this in the name of love? Seems rather ironic and sad.
What assumptions do we make about others? Well, first we all assume that just because someone either inherits or somehow earns a ton of new money, that they will immediately find happiness. Second, we all assume that just because you see a couple smiling together, that all is well within the relationship. We assume that they are the "picture" of happy, normal couple. Third, we assume that when a couple is observed fighting, that they will "just work it out on their own."
How many celebrity marriages must we see before we realize that neither money, nor momentary times of happiness, are symbols of eternal, lifetime, bliss? How many times do we ignore when we see a couple argue in a dysfunctional manner, do we ignore it? That's not to say that we can change what's happening, but if it's people close to us, perhaps we can "influence" them to seek help via professional means.
Neither celebrity nor everyday folks are immune to all of the pitfalls of attaining and maintaining a relationship. I once went to a wedding that cost at the time, over $60,000 in 1989. 12 months to the day, I sat in the living room of their apartment, while the wife was signing the divorce papers and he was now living back home with his family. It was a surreal experience, especially since I video taped their wedding and did a lot of good camera work to capture all of the happy faces on the families. A year to the day later, they were ALL at each other's throats, especially the groom's family. They were a very hot tempered bunch. Not to take a side, but it was actually HE whose outlandish behavior initiated the break up. He needed to stay single at that time, until he was more mature and ready to hitch onto a "lifetime" monogamous relationship. That was a crazy moment in my life to witness.
Once again, a young guy, making good money, with a nice woman, who was also working and making a nice salary. Both good looking and coming from medium to large families and two sets of parents who had marriages of 25 or more years. Yet it guaranteed them nothing in terms of their own young marriage.
So where did the love go? The love went up in flames with all of the expectations and emotional needs that weren't met in the marriage. It is these expectations and needs that must be understood, explored and worked through before two people seek a marriage commitment. Otherwise you're just marrying someone based on outside looks and assumptions. Then you marry them and find out that you must live with whatever weaknesses that they may be hiding from the rest of the world. You should try to talk about and work out whatever things you're expecting or issues that you may have. Heck, I even recommend seeking professional counseling to find out and see if you are both capable of working through those issues.
It's either that, or throwing a big and expensive party for folks who may get so enraged over time, that they can't stand the sight of each other less than a year later. In even worse scenarios, it could lead to violence, murder and suicide.
From the minute that we are born, we all want to be hugged and loved. Over time and whatever damages that life can bring us, we lose sight of that, but still fight to get to that place of happiness and comfort. Hopefully in that moment of anger we can realize that that is what everyone is fighting for. We are all fighting to be loved, happy and comfortable. Well, at least the majority of us. We are trying to create "love" for ourselves. Once both parties realize that is where the anger comes from - the disappointment, the frustration, the pain - perhaps we can treat each other more rationally and warmly? Sometimes, you just have to retrace your steps once you've wandered off the path of understanding, forgiveness...and happiness.
It is then that you will find out that the source of most of your current pain and anger...isn't the other person...rather it's yourself. It could have been your own emotional needs that brought you to such a sad point, or it could have simply been a series of bad decisions that brought you to that point. Either way, you have to know and believe that you can survive and still have a positive outcome.
There are so many difficult things in life that can be overcome. Sometimes we just have to move our own egos out of the way and just keep moving in a positive direction. You have to simply believe.
There were a lot of common assumptions made by the general public and perhaps even from people who might have known these two people. These assumptions might have led to people not paying attention to the tension, anger and frustration that built up inside this particular relationship.
Domestic violence and arguments and acting out isn't a new issue. Clearly it happens more often than we may want to believe, but it doesn't necessarily end up with such a violent and tragic ending. It is these really tragic moments that stand out. However, the lesser incidents lead to divorce, single parenthood, drug and or alcohol dependency, child adoption, dysfunctional children and dysfunctional subsequent relationships as the damaged parties go searching for someone to heal their wounds rather than starting with a clean slate.
All of this in the name of love? Seems rather ironic and sad.
What assumptions do we make about others? Well, first we all assume that just because someone either inherits or somehow earns a ton of new money, that they will immediately find happiness. Second, we all assume that just because you see a couple smiling together, that all is well within the relationship. We assume that they are the "picture" of happy, normal couple. Third, we assume that when a couple is observed fighting, that they will "just work it out on their own."
How many celebrity marriages must we see before we realize that neither money, nor momentary times of happiness, are symbols of eternal, lifetime, bliss? How many times do we ignore when we see a couple argue in a dysfunctional manner, do we ignore it? That's not to say that we can change what's happening, but if it's people close to us, perhaps we can "influence" them to seek help via professional means.
Neither celebrity nor everyday folks are immune to all of the pitfalls of attaining and maintaining a relationship. I once went to a wedding that cost at the time, over $60,000 in 1989. 12 months to the day, I sat in the living room of their apartment, while the wife was signing the divorce papers and he was now living back home with his family. It was a surreal experience, especially since I video taped their wedding and did a lot of good camera work to capture all of the happy faces on the families. A year to the day later, they were ALL at each other's throats, especially the groom's family. They were a very hot tempered bunch. Not to take a side, but it was actually HE whose outlandish behavior initiated the break up. He needed to stay single at that time, until he was more mature and ready to hitch onto a "lifetime" monogamous relationship. That was a crazy moment in my life to witness.
Once again, a young guy, making good money, with a nice woman, who was also working and making a nice salary. Both good looking and coming from medium to large families and two sets of parents who had marriages of 25 or more years. Yet it guaranteed them nothing in terms of their own young marriage.
So where did the love go? The love went up in flames with all of the expectations and emotional needs that weren't met in the marriage. It is these expectations and needs that must be understood, explored and worked through before two people seek a marriage commitment. Otherwise you're just marrying someone based on outside looks and assumptions. Then you marry them and find out that you must live with whatever weaknesses that they may be hiding from the rest of the world. You should try to talk about and work out whatever things you're expecting or issues that you may have. Heck, I even recommend seeking professional counseling to find out and see if you are both capable of working through those issues.
It's either that, or throwing a big and expensive party for folks who may get so enraged over time, that they can't stand the sight of each other less than a year later. In even worse scenarios, it could lead to violence, murder and suicide.
From the minute that we are born, we all want to be hugged and loved. Over time and whatever damages that life can bring us, we lose sight of that, but still fight to get to that place of happiness and comfort. Hopefully in that moment of anger we can realize that that is what everyone is fighting for. We are all fighting to be loved, happy and comfortable. Well, at least the majority of us. We are trying to create "love" for ourselves. Once both parties realize that is where the anger comes from - the disappointment, the frustration, the pain - perhaps we can treat each other more rationally and warmly? Sometimes, you just have to retrace your steps once you've wandered off the path of understanding, forgiveness...and happiness.
It is then that you will find out that the source of most of your current pain and anger...isn't the other person...rather it's yourself. It could have been your own emotional needs that brought you to such a sad point, or it could have simply been a series of bad decisions that brought you to that point. Either way, you have to know and believe that you can survive and still have a positive outcome.
There are so many difficult things in life that can be overcome. Sometimes we just have to move our own egos out of the way and just keep moving in a positive direction. You have to simply believe.
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